Seeing her face again. Hearing that giggle. Her sweet voice and sassy moves. It was wonderful. Beautiful. And yet, painful. I knew our time would go quick and I'd have to leave her again. I struggled to allow myself to feel anything in order to protect my heart as it was still healing. Yet I knew, this was part of that healing process. But it wasn't just her. Each child and adult that we had contact with the first time around also moved my heart. I didn't realize how much of me was left behind. As we hugged them all, shared smiles and hugs, and just looked at each other knowing we were so grateful to meet again I realized our family had grown. They all cared They were all so concerned about our well being. All while they continued to live in less than desirable conditions. But this was their home and they welcomed us right back with open arms, as family. And as we left Haiti a second time, another piece of my heart was left behind.
When we first began this adoption journey we knew it was going to go beyond adopting. That the adoption was just a first step to something so much greater. As we look back on all that we've already gone through, it's hard to imagine what the 'more' might be. However, after experiencing what I described above, there's no doubt God has way more in store for us and Haiti!
So, the details of this trip. Well, we stayed at the Karibe resort. It was nice, cozy, spacious and had a hot shower! Hallelujah! Grant, Drew and Jayla joined us this time and were so excited. Drew and Jayla had never flown before. Their first flight and it was out of the country!
The weather wasn't quite as hot this time which was nice. Bergeline was thrilled to see Jason and I, but was a little unsure about the kids at first. Not uncommon and actually expected. She had only seen them in pictures and videos. As we introduced them we could tell she recalled Jayla most. It didn't take long and they were all playing. She connected with each one in a unique way and it was such a blessing to see the relationships begin. Although last fall we had discussed taking another trip and bringing these three, we weren't really sure if it would happen. Due to the circumstances of having to return and the timing of it, God worked out the details to take them. I was so glad we didn't let fear hold us back! Even the social worker seemed impressed. Now they're all arguing about who can return when we bring her home. These children have been waiting just as long as I have and it was obvious their emotions were stirring. By day 2 they started to get emotional. I'm sure some was the heat and varied routine, but I know it was overwhelming to finally meet their sister and also see another culture at the same time. It was harder on them than I expected and I was glad the trip was short for their sake.
It was so wonderful to see all of the kids again. Several of them looked at me and said, malad? I said no, no malad (sick). They all knew what had happened. This brought comfort to my heart. They knew we didn't just leave them without saying goodbye. And yet, when the time came to leave this trip, I still didn't get to hug them all and say good bye like I would've liked. Oh those sweet children. So many personalities, so much love, so much need.
While there is so much more I could say, I'm not sure I can quite put it into words at this time. God is good. All the time. He provided all that we desired and more on this trip. It was quite humbling, but just the love I needed to continue to heal. We pray he moves the mountains once again for B's paperwork to move on, along with the many other families we've connected with along the way who are also waiting for their next step.
Do It Again by Elevation Worship is a song that I heard just days before we got the approval to return to Haiti. It speaks of God's promises and gives us hope that he will do what he has said he will! He will not fail us. In the song it speaks of moving mountains, a prayer Jayla and I prayed often in 2018. Going back to the day we got the call for Bergeline, we looked up the meaning of her name. The shorter version, Bergen, means mountain dweller. How beautiful that our specific prayer was to move the mountains out of the way so we could meet her.
God does these things for us all the time! When we trust in Him he gives us glimpses of hope to hold onto and help us through. The day before we left, Drew completed his third show in a play. He and I hung around afterward to help clean up and enjoy some food and fellowship. I met 3 amazing moms that day! In brief conversation with them I mentioned needing to get home to pack for Haiti and explained we'd be going to see our daughter. They inquired about her age and I shared how her and Jayla would be the same age for 2.5 months. 'Like Irish twins' one of them said. I was taken back and asked what she meant. She said Irish twins are siblings who are born so close together that they overlap age for a short period. You guys....that first day I prayed about adoption, in November 2013, when God led us to adopt from Haiti, he reminded me of my prayers while I was pregnant with Jayla. I prayed for twins, girl twins. I jotted that down in my notebook that day. We had always held onto that thinking whoever we were matched with would have the same birthday as Jayla. So quick to put God in a box. Irish twins I will have! Thank you Lord!
Okay, I guess I had a few more words to share. If you made it this far, thanks for holding on! Love you all!
Wednesday, January 30
Wednesday, November 7
Home 4 weeks....still broken
I've hesitated to write this post. Why? It will be long and raw. It will be hard for many to understand or comprehend. It will draw the tears from deep within that have been accumulating inside for the last 4 weeks. Emotions I've suppressed will rise to the surface and I'll have a choice. Face them or push them back down. I know the best thing for me is to face them, process them and continue moving forward. However, the ache will be so intense and the anger infuriating that I struggle to combat those emotions right now. Even as I write this with tears flowing, my hands hit the keys with anger and teeth grit with frustration. My heart remains broken. I am broken. For all that have asked, I am sorry if I lied, but I am simply not okay.
Leaving Haiti 4 weeks ago was the right decision. I do believe it saved our lives. Yet, somehow I almost hate myself for getting on that plane. I was leaving my little girl. The one my heart has grown to love over the last 5 years. The one we prayed for over and over and over. That little girl became a part of our lives the day we said YES to adopt, but to have finally met her, held her, laughed with her and cared for her to then leave her, without any explanation, without a good bye hug or kiss or anything....just not right. Just not fair. I left Haiti broken and I am not yet restored.
I can't possibly recount every detail of those last couple days in Haiti and I'm not sure anyone would want to hear it all. However, I do think some day when I look back it will be good for my soul to read this and see how God worked through it all. I do believe, STILL, that His plan is greater. That this brokenness won't be for nothing. So, if you're in for the long haul, here is a snapshot of the last couple days in Haiti.
Sunday morning I got up and was exhausted. I was grateful for a day of rest but knew we wouldn't be able to go to the resort like we had hoped. We all sat down to breakfast and Jason was the only one who could really eat. Qade and I tried, but it just wasn't happening. Qade left the table and as I attempted to stand I knew I was in trouble. I couldn't get up. I was dizzy and weak and just felt horrible. I told Jason I had had enough and we needed to see doctors. On a Sunday, of all days! He called the director's husband and about an hour later a driver showed up to take us to a doctor. While on the way there I tried not to overthink. I had no idea what this would be like, how the care would be handled or any of it really. When we arrived the man we called met us there. He translated for us and slowly we were separated into areas divided by curtains. Each area had a hospital bed. It was small and uncomfortable. I was placed on one end and Qade on another. I hated being away from him and not the one communicating for him, but I had to believe God had it all taken care of ahead of time. Jason checked on me maybe twice. Our driver also did. He stayed with us the entire time, which was 9 long hours. Nine very long hours. During that time I worshiped God through song, prayer and even wrote the following:
'Well while I'm sitting here in the hospital hooked up to an iv getting fluids I might as well jot down my thoughts. First thought, this sucks. Second thought, God knows that and he knew this would all happen and he's never left our side. Fear has crept in over and over and over the last few days in all forms. Anxiety, doubt, guilt, shame. I've tried hard to push it away and not believe the lies. Today before we left the guesthouse Jason had messaged the lady at our agency. Her response was priceless and full of so much truth. "You must be ticking off the enemy! Bergeline must have an incredible plan for her life and the enemy doesn't want that." (not exact but something to that accord) The three of us gathered together and each prayed aloud against the enemy's schemes. We thanked God for the time that we've had, good and bad. We prayed for healing and protection. For wisdom for the doctors and his healing to overcome. When we got in the van to head to the hospital I felt awful. I wanted to pass out, give up and be done. And then I felt it. God's presence so strong and real and I began to laugh! I laughed at Satan and all his fear and antics and anything he's tried so far. I laughed knowing he was not going to win but that my God has this. There are no surprises to him. Spiritual warfare is war and we have so many warriors fighting for us and our sweet B! Our spiritual family is mighty and strong and many! Our God is even more!!!'
That folks, is what carried me through that day. Through those nine long hours with no food, fighting a fever and watching nurses do things I know would NEVER be done in America!!! I even had to tell one nurse to stop because she was doing it wrong and could've killed me! When we left that hospital we had bags of prescriptions, paperwork I couldn't read and still felt miserable.
When we got back to the guesthouse we took our medicine and tried to settle in for the night in hopes that we would wake up the next day feeling better. Sadly, that didn't happen. Rather, I went downhill and so did Qade, we just didn't realize it. I'm still not sure if it was an allergic reaction to a medicine or my blood pressure dropping or a high fever or all of it, but I have never experienced what happened next before in my life. It was like an out of body experience mixed with hallucinating and feeling like I was going to pass out. My brain was telling my body to do things but my body couldn't keep up. Eventually I couldn't function and just laid down. I asked Jason to put on worship music as I knew I was going downhill and no matter what I had to keep Christ at the front of my mind. I laid there with my arm raised, rest of my body limp attempting to sing praises to my King. It was probably the saddest I've ever sounded singing and yet His peace continued to overwhelm my soul. Jason had called again for a ride to the hospital. Whatever was happening had to be taken care of. So, the ride came, they helped me get inside the van and eventually we were on our way again, to another emergency room.
I was so out of it on the way there, singing things, saying things, I don't even recall it all. I remember it being so dark outside but every once in awhile a spot in the wall on the side of the road would open up and you could see lights all up and down the mountains. We drove for what felt like an hour, but who really knows when you're reacting the way I did. We arrived and were taken to the creepiest, tiny rooms. It felt like I was in a movie, just kidnapped and they were going to do some strange experiment on me. However, the doctor and nurses were quite kind. The knew some English which helped tremendously. Once again, a wall separated me from Qade. I yelled out whatever I wanted to add into the conversation anyway. I was still so loopy I'm sure they got a good laugh out of it all. Qade didn't actually believe he was that bad and didn't want to be seen by another doctor. He was tired of being poked (it took them way too many tried to get his IV in at the last hospital). However, had we not forced him, he could've died. His blood pressure was scarily low and his heart rate way too high. We were probably in those rooms for a couple hours as they assessed us and gave us medicine, more fluids and I got a nice shot in the rear end. They then moved us, which I was truly grateful for. That bed was so hard, the room got creepier and sooo HOT!
Our new rooms were again, separate. Sigh. They were large rooms, but cold and dark. It felt like prison in some ways. They weren't clean. There was no soap or hand sanitizer anywhere. The nurses didn't wear gloves very often and again I saw things that were just odd. I slept on and off while trying to stay hydrated. Qade was still struggling to eat and even take his meds. I was relying on my phone to message Jason and keep up with what was happening while coming off of my 'reaction'. Eventually a new doctor came in but he spoke hardly any English and didn't have any charts from the ER doctor. It just didn't make sense. I know the medical personnel were trying their best but I just don't think they had the resources or knew exactly what to do with us. They attempted some medications but it wasn't consistent and though we would take one step forward, we would then fall backwards again.
Staff from the guesthouse came to visit and someone was always with us. They gave us the best care possible. It was incredible. By Monday afternoon we had a decision to make. We were told by a couple different people to get home. Forget all else and just get home. My heart struggled with that decision tremendously as we were so close to completing our socialization trip. We really only needed Tuesday to complete it. The interview could be done and then we could go home. But it wasn't realistic or the right thing to do at that time. I left it all up to Jason to take care of new flights and get us home safe. I couldn't do it or think about it, just follow the leader God placed in my life years ago and prepared for this very moment. After a long wait and some trouble convincing the nurse we needed to leave, they eventually took our IVs out and we headed back to the guesthouse to pack up.
While laying on that bed in the hospital, in and out of sleep, I kept checking Facebook. It was a moment in my life where I was SO INCREDIBLY GRATEFUL for social media. All of the prayers that went up, the support from hundreds, maybe even thousands, that is what kept me going. That is what kept me fighting. That is how I knew, without a doubt, God had orchestrated an army to fight on our behalf. Thank you all! Thank you for sharing your posts, asking for prayer and support. Thank you for encouraging us and the ones we love as they too struggled to hold it together while we were in Haiti. Thank you for the continued support we received even after we got home through texts, calls, emails, meals and so much more!
We made it to Chicago and were greeted by both sets of our parents. I lost it when hugging them! It felt so good to be home and yet so wrong. That's when I truly broke. Now, even 4 weeks later, it's so hard to think about all that happened. It wasn't supposed to be that way. We waited 4.5 years to meet our little girl. It was supposed to be beautiful, heart warming and leave us with this great anticipation to return and bring her home soon. It was beautiful and heart warming, no doubt. And I certainly CANNOT WAIT to bring her home. But now we are waiting, again. We had to submit a letter requesting a return trip for three days to complete our socialization. That letter goes to IBESR. They are the ones we waited on for three years to get our referral and now, again, we are waiting on them to respond to a letter we sent weeks ago. I remain broken.
Writing this post is the start of my healing journey. But until I can wrap my arms around Bergeline, until I know she is legally our little girl, until she is home with her family, here in the United states, in this house, a part of me will remain broken, incomplete and longing for more.
Leaving Haiti 4 weeks ago was the right decision. I do believe it saved our lives. Yet, somehow I almost hate myself for getting on that plane. I was leaving my little girl. The one my heart has grown to love over the last 5 years. The one we prayed for over and over and over. That little girl became a part of our lives the day we said YES to adopt, but to have finally met her, held her, laughed with her and cared for her to then leave her, without any explanation, without a good bye hug or kiss or anything....just not right. Just not fair. I left Haiti broken and I am not yet restored.
I can't possibly recount every detail of those last couple days in Haiti and I'm not sure anyone would want to hear it all. However, I do think some day when I look back it will be good for my soul to read this and see how God worked through it all. I do believe, STILL, that His plan is greater. That this brokenness won't be for nothing. So, if you're in for the long haul, here is a snapshot of the last couple days in Haiti.
Sunday morning I got up and was exhausted. I was grateful for a day of rest but knew we wouldn't be able to go to the resort like we had hoped. We all sat down to breakfast and Jason was the only one who could really eat. Qade and I tried, but it just wasn't happening. Qade left the table and as I attempted to stand I knew I was in trouble. I couldn't get up. I was dizzy and weak and just felt horrible. I told Jason I had had enough and we needed to see doctors. On a Sunday, of all days! He called the director's husband and about an hour later a driver showed up to take us to a doctor. While on the way there I tried not to overthink. I had no idea what this would be like, how the care would be handled or any of it really. When we arrived the man we called met us there. He translated for us and slowly we were separated into areas divided by curtains. Each area had a hospital bed. It was small and uncomfortable. I was placed on one end and Qade on another. I hated being away from him and not the one communicating for him, but I had to believe God had it all taken care of ahead of time. Jason checked on me maybe twice. Our driver also did. He stayed with us the entire time, which was 9 long hours. Nine very long hours. During that time I worshiped God through song, prayer and even wrote the following:
'Well while I'm sitting here in the hospital hooked up to an iv getting fluids I might as well jot down my thoughts. First thought, this sucks. Second thought, God knows that and he knew this would all happen and he's never left our side. Fear has crept in over and over and over the last few days in all forms. Anxiety, doubt, guilt, shame. I've tried hard to push it away and not believe the lies. Today before we left the guesthouse Jason had messaged the lady at our agency. Her response was priceless and full of so much truth. "You must be ticking off the enemy! Bergeline must have an incredible plan for her life and the enemy doesn't want that." (not exact but something to that accord) The three of us gathered together and each prayed aloud against the enemy's schemes. We thanked God for the time that we've had, good and bad. We prayed for healing and protection. For wisdom for the doctors and his healing to overcome. When we got in the van to head to the hospital I felt awful. I wanted to pass out, give up and be done. And then I felt it. God's presence so strong and real and I began to laugh! I laughed at Satan and all his fear and antics and anything he's tried so far. I laughed knowing he was not going to win but that my God has this. There are no surprises to him. Spiritual warfare is war and we have so many warriors fighting for us and our sweet B! Our spiritual family is mighty and strong and many! Our God is even more!!!'
That folks, is what carried me through that day. Through those nine long hours with no food, fighting a fever and watching nurses do things I know would NEVER be done in America!!! I even had to tell one nurse to stop because she was doing it wrong and could've killed me! When we left that hospital we had bags of prescriptions, paperwork I couldn't read and still felt miserable.
When we got back to the guesthouse we took our medicine and tried to settle in for the night in hopes that we would wake up the next day feeling better. Sadly, that didn't happen. Rather, I went downhill and so did Qade, we just didn't realize it. I'm still not sure if it was an allergic reaction to a medicine or my blood pressure dropping or a high fever or all of it, but I have never experienced what happened next before in my life. It was like an out of body experience mixed with hallucinating and feeling like I was going to pass out. My brain was telling my body to do things but my body couldn't keep up. Eventually I couldn't function and just laid down. I asked Jason to put on worship music as I knew I was going downhill and no matter what I had to keep Christ at the front of my mind. I laid there with my arm raised, rest of my body limp attempting to sing praises to my King. It was probably the saddest I've ever sounded singing and yet His peace continued to overwhelm my soul. Jason had called again for a ride to the hospital. Whatever was happening had to be taken care of. So, the ride came, they helped me get inside the van and eventually we were on our way again, to another emergency room.
I was so out of it on the way there, singing things, saying things, I don't even recall it all. I remember it being so dark outside but every once in awhile a spot in the wall on the side of the road would open up and you could see lights all up and down the mountains. We drove for what felt like an hour, but who really knows when you're reacting the way I did. We arrived and were taken to the creepiest, tiny rooms. It felt like I was in a movie, just kidnapped and they were going to do some strange experiment on me. However, the doctor and nurses were quite kind. The knew some English which helped tremendously. Once again, a wall separated me from Qade. I yelled out whatever I wanted to add into the conversation anyway. I was still so loopy I'm sure they got a good laugh out of it all. Qade didn't actually believe he was that bad and didn't want to be seen by another doctor. He was tired of being poked (it took them way too many tried to get his IV in at the last hospital). However, had we not forced him, he could've died. His blood pressure was scarily low and his heart rate way too high. We were probably in those rooms for a couple hours as they assessed us and gave us medicine, more fluids and I got a nice shot in the rear end. They then moved us, which I was truly grateful for. That bed was so hard, the room got creepier and sooo HOT!
Our new rooms were again, separate. Sigh. They were large rooms, but cold and dark. It felt like prison in some ways. They weren't clean. There was no soap or hand sanitizer anywhere. The nurses didn't wear gloves very often and again I saw things that were just odd. I slept on and off while trying to stay hydrated. Qade was still struggling to eat and even take his meds. I was relying on my phone to message Jason and keep up with what was happening while coming off of my 'reaction'. Eventually a new doctor came in but he spoke hardly any English and didn't have any charts from the ER doctor. It just didn't make sense. I know the medical personnel were trying their best but I just don't think they had the resources or knew exactly what to do with us. They attempted some medications but it wasn't consistent and though we would take one step forward, we would then fall backwards again.
Staff from the guesthouse came to visit and someone was always with us. They gave us the best care possible. It was incredible. By Monday afternoon we had a decision to make. We were told by a couple different people to get home. Forget all else and just get home. My heart struggled with that decision tremendously as we were so close to completing our socialization trip. We really only needed Tuesday to complete it. The interview could be done and then we could go home. But it wasn't realistic or the right thing to do at that time. I left it all up to Jason to take care of new flights and get us home safe. I couldn't do it or think about it, just follow the leader God placed in my life years ago and prepared for this very moment. After a long wait and some trouble convincing the nurse we needed to leave, they eventually took our IVs out and we headed back to the guesthouse to pack up.
While laying on that bed in the hospital, in and out of sleep, I kept checking Facebook. It was a moment in my life where I was SO INCREDIBLY GRATEFUL for social media. All of the prayers that went up, the support from hundreds, maybe even thousands, that is what kept me going. That is what kept me fighting. That is how I knew, without a doubt, God had orchestrated an army to fight on our behalf. Thank you all! Thank you for sharing your posts, asking for prayer and support. Thank you for encouraging us and the ones we love as they too struggled to hold it together while we were in Haiti. Thank you for the continued support we received even after we got home through texts, calls, emails, meals and so much more!
We made it to Chicago and were greeted by both sets of our parents. I lost it when hugging them! It felt so good to be home and yet so wrong. That's when I truly broke. Now, even 4 weeks later, it's so hard to think about all that happened. It wasn't supposed to be that way. We waited 4.5 years to meet our little girl. It was supposed to be beautiful, heart warming and leave us with this great anticipation to return and bring her home soon. It was beautiful and heart warming, no doubt. And I certainly CANNOT WAIT to bring her home. But now we are waiting, again. We had to submit a letter requesting a return trip for three days to complete our socialization. That letter goes to IBESR. They are the ones we waited on for three years to get our referral and now, again, we are waiting on them to respond to a letter we sent weeks ago. I remain broken.
Writing this post is the start of my healing journey. But until I can wrap my arms around Bergeline, until I know she is legally our little girl, until she is home with her family, here in the United states, in this house, a part of me will remain broken, incomplete and longing for more.
Thursday, October 11
Still processing...would've been day 16
Well Friends, we are home early. Today would've been our last day with B at the orphanage and likely would've been the interview with the social worker had everything gone smoothly.
But, it didn't.
To be honest, I'm still trying to process what happened over the last five days. It was intense and like nothing I've ever experienced before or hope to experience again. So, I can't give you a full recap yet but I'll give you some thoughts and then as I'm able I'll write more.
I'm heart broken. For B. For Qade. For Jason. For myself.
B, Sweet B. We lost so much precious time with you, it just wasn't right. We didn't get to say good bye or explain anything that happened. We didn't get to giggle, play chase, draw pictures or blow bubbles. We didn't get to hear you sing another silly song or even just see your sweet, mischievous smile one more time. I'm so sorry B, I am so so sorry. This was not the departure we had planned for you. I love you!
Qade, my precious son. I'm so sorry. My heart just aches that you went through all of this. I wanted so badly for you to have an experience of a lifetime, in a different way than this. Sure, experience some of the hardships of the culture, but not like this. My sweet boy, we almost lost you, it was that close. You are so stubborn but I know you were also so so sick and delirious. It tore me apart to be separate from you at the hospitals. A part of me was missing through all those hours. I felt almost dead inside not knowing what would happen while sitting in a dark, cold room. I wanted to hold you, to love you, to say it would all be okay, that God knew and was there. I wanted to take it all away from you. I prayed for the Lord to spare your life, over and over. I asked him to take mine if one was to go. You will get through this son. God will use this. Your story will change lives. I love you!
Jason, what a man! We wouldn't have made it without you. Your strength, tenacity and wisdom held us together. Your ability to stay calm and keep pushing forward at the right times undoubtedly paved a way that wasn't there before. You just kept giving and giving and giving, when inside I knew you were tired and fighting your own sickness. I'm grateful beyond words for the sacrifices you made. You stayed with our son, by his side, making sure he was comfortable, safe and alive! You made decisions when I just couldn't. I'm sorry you had to do all that. I'm sorry you were hurting as well. I'm sorry I couldn't say all of that before. I love you!
Myself. I know you're heart broken and confused. I know you're struggling to break through. I know you just want to close your eyes and believe it was just a nightmare. It wasn't. It happened. And you will need to process it all. You held on tight though, praising God through every moment. Praying and singing over your son. Trusting your husband's choices and believing God was there through it all. You did good. You made it. I love you!
To the community of believers out there that prayed diligently: THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! It was your prayers that gave us all strength to keep fighting when giving up was so easily an option. It was your words of encouragement that held the door open to see the light. It was thoughts that kept our heads afloat even when the tide came rushing in. It was you that helped save us. YOU! We love you!
"Those who are dominated by the sinful nature think about sinful things, but those who are controlled by the Holy Spirit think about things that please the Spirit. So letting your sinful nature control your mind leads to death. But letting the Spirit control your mind leads to life and peace!" Romans 8:5-6
I know this is not the exact context but as I have been reflecting this morning and read this chapter this stuck out to me. When you are fighting for your life or praying for your child's life or holding your husband's face while he has a seizure it's easy to be filled with anger and outrage, to doubt God's goodness and believe he has left you. To allow hatred and evil to fill your heart. Instead we continued to choose life, to pray for his spirit to remain upon us and within us. We could feel His presence at all times, Jason said it over and over, I'm at peace through all of this. Your prayers kept our heads there. This was spiritual warfare. God has won this battle and will win every single one we face!
But, it didn't.
To be honest, I'm still trying to process what happened over the last five days. It was intense and like nothing I've ever experienced before or hope to experience again. So, I can't give you a full recap yet but I'll give you some thoughts and then as I'm able I'll write more.
I'm heart broken. For B. For Qade. For Jason. For myself.
B, Sweet B. We lost so much precious time with you, it just wasn't right. We didn't get to say good bye or explain anything that happened. We didn't get to giggle, play chase, draw pictures or blow bubbles. We didn't get to hear you sing another silly song or even just see your sweet, mischievous smile one more time. I'm so sorry B, I am so so sorry. This was not the departure we had planned for you. I love you!
Qade, my precious son. I'm so sorry. My heart just aches that you went through all of this. I wanted so badly for you to have an experience of a lifetime, in a different way than this. Sure, experience some of the hardships of the culture, but not like this. My sweet boy, we almost lost you, it was that close. You are so stubborn but I know you were also so so sick and delirious. It tore me apart to be separate from you at the hospitals. A part of me was missing through all those hours. I felt almost dead inside not knowing what would happen while sitting in a dark, cold room. I wanted to hold you, to love you, to say it would all be okay, that God knew and was there. I wanted to take it all away from you. I prayed for the Lord to spare your life, over and over. I asked him to take mine if one was to go. You will get through this son. God will use this. Your story will change lives. I love you!
Jason, what a man! We wouldn't have made it without you. Your strength, tenacity and wisdom held us together. Your ability to stay calm and keep pushing forward at the right times undoubtedly paved a way that wasn't there before. You just kept giving and giving and giving, when inside I knew you were tired and fighting your own sickness. I'm grateful beyond words for the sacrifices you made. You stayed with our son, by his side, making sure he was comfortable, safe and alive! You made decisions when I just couldn't. I'm sorry you had to do all that. I'm sorry you were hurting as well. I'm sorry I couldn't say all of that before. I love you!
Myself. I know you're heart broken and confused. I know you're struggling to break through. I know you just want to close your eyes and believe it was just a nightmare. It wasn't. It happened. And you will need to process it all. You held on tight though, praising God through every moment. Praying and singing over your son. Trusting your husband's choices and believing God was there through it all. You did good. You made it. I love you!
To the community of believers out there that prayed diligently: THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! It was your prayers that gave us all strength to keep fighting when giving up was so easily an option. It was your words of encouragement that held the door open to see the light. It was thoughts that kept our heads afloat even when the tide came rushing in. It was you that helped save us. YOU! We love you!
"Those who are dominated by the sinful nature think about sinful things, but those who are controlled by the Holy Spirit think about things that please the Spirit. So letting your sinful nature control your mind leads to death. But letting the Spirit control your mind leads to life and peace!" Romans 8:5-6
I know this is not the exact context but as I have been reflecting this morning and read this chapter this stuck out to me. When you are fighting for your life or praying for your child's life or holding your husband's face while he has a seizure it's easy to be filled with anger and outrage, to doubt God's goodness and believe he has left you. To allow hatred and evil to fill your heart. Instead we continued to choose life, to pray for his spirit to remain upon us and within us. We could feel His presence at all times, Jason said it over and over, I'm at peace through all of this. Your prayers kept our heads there. This was spiritual warfare. God has won this battle and will win every single one we face!
Saturday, October 6
kriz = seizure; yea that happened (day 11)
Seizure was not a word I wanted to learn in Creole and as I'm typing this I'm still holding back some tears.
Today we opted not to go see B. Qade hasn't eaten much in three days and has very little energy. The fever just won't stay away. I'm also exhausted and sore. Jason had just started with the fever overnight and so we thought it would be best to stay. After I informed our ride that we would not be going I went upstairs, laid down and cried. My heart is breaking as it longs to spend as much time as possible with B and yet this illness is just holding us back. It's frustrating, really makes me angry and has Qade desiring to be home. Home certainly sounds nice when you aren't feeling well. I actually considered flying him home early but this trip is the first he's ever flown so I couldn't see sending him home on his own.
We all spent the morning just relaxing and trying to keep fluids in us. Lunch came around noon today and as we all sat down we looked at each other knowing we just weren't hungry. I poured us each some Coke and then Qade left the table briefly. As soon as he left Jason didn't look well. His eyes were rolling back and he wasn't responding to me. Yep, he was seizing. He was sitting upright in the chair and didn't move around too much. I was able to hold his head and yelled for Qade to run downstairs for help. The ladies all came running up. By the time they returned he had mostly come around. I made him stay awake for awhile and put a cold rag on his head and arms. The ladies asked if he needed the hospital and I just wasn't sure. He started sweating profusely and I knew his fever broke, which was likely what caused the seizure. One of the ladies got someone on the phone that spoke English so I could explain what happened. He understood and said he'd be over to check on us. Our appetites were definitely not there and so we went into the other room to just wait for him to arrive.
The staff here is incredible! They do whatever they can to make sure you are comfortable. We feel terrible we aren't eating their food, but hope they understand. Each of them checked in individually and offered juice, lemon water to cool the skin and a fan. As scary as it was, I do believe we are in a great place. The hospital isn't far away either, so if we have to go that helps.
The gentleman came to check on us and lectured us. 'You need to eat! You need to eat!' We knew he was right, it was just so hard to force it down. Nothing tastes the same. He asked if Qade needed to go to the hospital and again, I just wasn't sure. I'm nervous about dehydration or worse. We decided to go to the market and pick out whatever sounded good. If that didn't help us then we'd reconsider. Lemon ice never tasted so good! Okay that's probably not true, but it certainly tasted better than anything else I had recently eaten.
We've already had dinner, which was rather early but likely due to the fact that we didn't eat lunch. The guys ate ramen noodles and I ate the broth with some gluten free crackers we purchased. Oh yeah, most stuff here is more expensive, especially the gluten free items. We're all trying to stay awake a little longer in hopes that we sleep hard tonight and wake up much better.
Today was scary, terrifying and all kinds of thoughts ran through my mind in a short time. A hospital in a foreign country just didn't seem like a good idea. I was so glad Qade left the room and didn't see his father seize. I'm also glad that it happened then, when I was there, he was upright and he didn't fall off the chair or hurt himself. I'm so grateful he seems okay and that it didn't last longer. I'm still trying to process though. This was not our plan, but somehow it's the plan.
"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and care called according to his purpose for them." Romans 8:28
Continued prayers please! Pray also for B and all the kids as I know I was not well when I was there with them.
Friday, October 5
Day 9 & 10 - Freezing in Haiti
The last 36 hours have not been the greatest. Qade awoke yesterday with a massive headache and fever. He tried to get himself around but just couldn't do it. By the time I left in the morning to go to the creche he was burning up. Jason stayed at the guest house with him to keep an eye on him.
My time at the creche was different since it was only me. I tried to explain to the kids that Qade was sick as they were all asking where Papa Blanc was. B was very quiet and probably processing the fact that we didn't make it back the afternoon before and now Papa and Qade both didn't come that morning. She's about lost interest in the items we've brought as we have pretty much done them all. We took time to watch more videos on my phone, look at pictures and play some games. I did chase her around and got her to laugh. We also did some puzzles and bubbles for awhile. It was quite calm for most of it though and I could feel myself starting to get sick.
I took a baggy of fruit loops to her yesterday and she just couldn't wait to eat them. We had to wait until the other kids went back to school or they'd all want them. She sat down and enjoyed those like she'd never had them before, which is probably likely. It was sweet to see the joy in her face over something so small.
She went to eat around 12:30 and it started to rain out where I was at. So I went inside where she was eating. I sat on the stairs and played with the kids as they finished their food. We sang songs, danced and B showed them some videos on my phone. One video is of Jayla and she says 'hi B'. B was waving back to her! Another video was my family singing happy birthday to my sister. As it was playing she sang the entire song in English! It was so precious. Then the kids got silly and wanted all kinds of videos and pictures taken. They were putting on the backpack I brought and acting cool for pictures. We had silly faces, serious ones and just great smiles! Then B asked to go back outside but also wanted two other girls to join us. My heart melted to see she did have some close friends and we asked the nanny if that was okay. We ventured back outside into the courtyard and this little girl melted my heart again. She pointed to the banana in my backpack. She wanted to share it with her friends! We got it out and split it three ways. Then she shared her stickers as well. I also got some sweet videos of her singing songs in Creole.
It was a long morning for me as I didn't get picked up until almost 2:30. I could tell I wasn't well and needed to rest. When I got back Qade was worse! Thank God for the other family that is here right now. They had tylenol so we could rotate meds for him and a cooling rag as well. None of us went back to the creche yesterday afternoon, mainly because of lack of a ride for Jason.
Qade stayed in bed all day and is still there now. However, his fever has broke and his energy is returning. I was in bed most of last evening and this morning as well. I feel much better now and am so grateful! Thank you for praying. Freezing while in Haiti is certainly an odd feeling. We both had sweatshirts and other layers which has not been our typical attire for this 90 degree weather!
I'm anxiously awaiting Jason to return to hear about his morning and praying we can all return this afternoon for a short while. Tomorrow we will go to the market to purchase some new toys and other items for our last week here. We also plan to replace that soccer ball that bounced out earlier this week. The family here now will leave tomorrow, heading home with their two boys. It's been an honor to watch them interact together. A great family and one I hope we can stay connected too!
One last thing...on Wednesday I had brought a young girls iPad back to the guest house with me to download and update some of her games. They don't have WiFi at the creche and so she asked me to do it. I did as much as I could before it died. When I returned it to her yesterday she was so grateful. She even made me bracelet out of rubber bands and beads. It was so sweet of her! She has a family waiting for their final steps to happen so they can take her home. She will be a great addition!
My time at the creche was different since it was only me. I tried to explain to the kids that Qade was sick as they were all asking where Papa Blanc was. B was very quiet and probably processing the fact that we didn't make it back the afternoon before and now Papa and Qade both didn't come that morning. She's about lost interest in the items we've brought as we have pretty much done them all. We took time to watch more videos on my phone, look at pictures and play some games. I did chase her around and got her to laugh. We also did some puzzles and bubbles for awhile. It was quite calm for most of it though and I could feel myself starting to get sick.
I took a baggy of fruit loops to her yesterday and she just couldn't wait to eat them. We had to wait until the other kids went back to school or they'd all want them. She sat down and enjoyed those like she'd never had them before, which is probably likely. It was sweet to see the joy in her face over something so small.
She went to eat around 12:30 and it started to rain out where I was at. So I went inside where she was eating. I sat on the stairs and played with the kids as they finished their food. We sang songs, danced and B showed them some videos on my phone. One video is of Jayla and she says 'hi B'. B was waving back to her! Another video was my family singing happy birthday to my sister. As it was playing she sang the entire song in English! It was so precious. Then the kids got silly and wanted all kinds of videos and pictures taken. They were putting on the backpack I brought and acting cool for pictures. We had silly faces, serious ones and just great smiles! Then B asked to go back outside but also wanted two other girls to join us. My heart melted to see she did have some close friends and we asked the nanny if that was okay. We ventured back outside into the courtyard and this little girl melted my heart again. She pointed to the banana in my backpack. She wanted to share it with her friends! We got it out and split it three ways. Then she shared her stickers as well. I also got some sweet videos of her singing songs in Creole.
It was a long morning for me as I didn't get picked up until almost 2:30. I could tell I wasn't well and needed to rest. When I got back Qade was worse! Thank God for the other family that is here right now. They had tylenol so we could rotate meds for him and a cooling rag as well. None of us went back to the creche yesterday afternoon, mainly because of lack of a ride for Jason.
Qade stayed in bed all day and is still there now. However, his fever has broke and his energy is returning. I was in bed most of last evening and this morning as well. I feel much better now and am so grateful! Thank you for praying. Freezing while in Haiti is certainly an odd feeling. We both had sweatshirts and other layers which has not been our typical attire for this 90 degree weather!
I'm anxiously awaiting Jason to return to hear about his morning and praying we can all return this afternoon for a short while. Tomorrow we will go to the market to purchase some new toys and other items for our last week here. We also plan to replace that soccer ball that bounced out earlier this week. The family here now will leave tomorrow, heading home with their two boys. It's been an honor to watch them interact together. A great family and one I hope we can stay connected too!
One last thing...on Wednesday I had brought a young girls iPad back to the guest house with me to download and update some of her games. They don't have WiFi at the creche and so she asked me to do it. I did as much as I could before it died. When I returned it to her yesterday she was so grateful. She even made me bracelet out of rubber bands and beads. It was so sweet of her! She has a family waiting for their final steps to happen so they can take her home. She will be a great addition!
Wednesday, October 3
Day 8 - Short and Sweet
Today started with me rising a little earlier than normal. I took a shower to wash my body and then tried something new by washing my hair in the sink. For those of you who know me, you know my hair is thick and long. The shower has very little pressure and so trying to wash it, along with it being cold, was just not working. The sink was better but certainly strained my back a bit. Oh well. A small sacrifice to pay for clean hair.
I changed things up with my hair today as well by doing it curly. Oh did the girls love that! They all wanted to touch it and put it on their heads and then the attempts to do it came. Ouch! My head is not used to that. They were so precious and just having fun but eventually I had to ask them to stop. My hair went up into a bun anyway. Too humid!
Our morning was more of the same. Some time alone with B, then time with all the kids, then time along with B again. I enjoyed reading to a group of kids a book in Creole today. They repeated everything I read aloud. I think it is how they do most of their schooling. I love reading books to children though, so that was precious time for me.
After that I mostly just watched the kids play. B was sitting on Jason's lap or hanging in his arms while he walked around. I love that man more and more each day. I'm in awe of how God has worked in his heart to get us to this point. Over 5 years ago I asked Jason about adoption and he just wasn't sure. I respected that and moved on. Of course God knew it was only a matter of time. Watching Jason with the kids brings such joy and warmth to my heart, but watching him be a Dad to another child....well that just brings tears to my eyes. You see, when you decide to adopt one of the main concerns is will I love another child as much as my bio children. You honestly have to rely on faith, trusting in the greater plan and allowing God to do the work by preparing your heart for it all. God has done that work and I am just seeing the beginning fruits of that. I have no doubt that Jason, myself and our kids will love B like we love one another already.
We were picked up from the creche a little earlier than normal today for lunch and to our surprise never returned. We aren't sure what happened but honestly it was probably for the best. Qade took a two hour nap which was much needed. His ears have been bothering him and I'm sure he is processing things in his own ways. Pray for his health and his heart.
It felt weird to not return and I miss B a little as well. My mind wonders what will she think, and then I begin to consider our final day. How will that good bye go? Oh I can't. Not yet. One day at a time. I know it will be hard, but God has brought us this far and he will continue to be faithful and carry us through. We are almost halfway through our time here. I know the rest will go by quicker than I think. So, cherishing each moment I get...with Jason, with Qade, with B and with God.
Day 7 - The longest yet
Today was a day of sacrifice while others received their great blessing! But before I go any further I'd like to just be clear that Jason and I are ecstatic to be here. There's no where else we'd rather be. The moments I'm sharing with you are not complaints but the reality of the situation. We would go through anything for our girl and the little we've endured so far will seem so small in years to come. Also, I apologize if I repeat things I've mentioned before. Moving on...
Today we had the pleasure of another family joining us at the creche. They are here to pick up their two boys from a different creche but couldn't go until 2 pm, so joined us for the morning time. The couple brought both sets of parents along on this 'gotcha' day trip. I think that's so sweet and a challenge for the parents. They got their workouts in at the creche, a lot more than those sneaker classes at the gym! It was precious to see the kids interact with others though. B wasn't so sure who they all were and I didn't know how to explain it to her. She took whatever attention she could as well, but kept coming back to us. Eventually she started to shut down. We've seen this happen when all the kids come out to play. She seems overwhelmed and just not sure. I think part of it is jealousy, not wanting to share us but to me I sense more over stimulation for her. She has only been there for 9 months which is a short time considering she is 6. We're also not sure if she is real connected to anyone there. Maybe more time will tell.
We did get a tour of the entire facility today. Hearing about the other creche from the family with us I realize how incredibly blessed we are to have B at this one. Although some stuff seems wild to us, like cribs lined up next to each other, touching, filling the room for kids of ages 1 to probably 7, maybe 8. They have bunk beds for the older, bigger kids as well. They go to bed around 6 pm, which is so early and yet when the sun starts going down. We saw the kids classrooms where the teachers are doing English, Spanish and French/Creole. The older kids were working on Math. One of the greatest sounds I heard today was the kids singing How Great Thou Art in their language. All of this is happening because of the great structure and teachers they have there.
Today I was able to learn a little bit more about some of the kids living there. You may recall the older boy who Qade has done some stuff with and I mentioned I'd take him home in a heartbeat. Well, if I did that I'd have to take his 3 brothers too. Yep. Four brothers are living at that creche. I wonder what happened in their lives to land them all there. We've met two of them so far that we know of. I hope to figure out who the other two are. I'm also wondering at what age can they stay at the creche. I vaguely recall that around age 12 they can't care for them anymore. I hope I am wrong as this young man is 11 already. If you would, take a moment and pray for him and his brothers. It's possible they still have parents around. I didn't get a clear answer.
So that sacrifice for our day...when the afternoon portion of our day came we were dropped off at our creche and that family was off to pick up their kids. On the already emotional day I could feel their emotions as well. They were excited and anxious and about to burst, all of them. It was so precious, so sweet and I can not wait until we are in those seats! Their creche is about an hour or more away, depending on traffic. We knew our afternoon could be longer than normal and we were right. Around 5:45 it started to pour. At that time most of the kids were headed to bed. We still had B and went inside to relax and wait for our ride. Around 6:15 we were told they'd be there in 5 minutes. I decided to take B to bed so we'd be ready to run through the rain and into the van. Five minutes turned into a half hour. During that time one of the nannies had called our driver to find out where he was at. She tried to tell us but we had no clue what she was saying. We had her type into google translate and got the jist of it all. We went to another area where there was a different door to exit the creche. One that was not on a steep hill. Steep hills are not easy to go up when it is raining here. Especially when your 15 passenger van has 13 passengers! Frank, our driver, is incredible getting around in traffic, but a traffic jam in the rain slows down anyone. So, around 6:50 we finally entered the van and we're on our way back. In the van were those two sweet boys who were headed home with their new family. The feeling in that van was much different than earlier in the day. There was peace, a calm and serene feeling. All anxieties had been washed away and the joy of having their children at last overwhelmed them all. It was beautiful, even in the dark van. We were blessed to have their first dinner with them as a family! It's so neat to see this step of the process transpire right before our eyes. Their pick up was even unique as the parents and grandparents were there to say good bye. Each child is different in their situation and each creche as well. Who knows what our day will bring when we go to pick up B! For now I will take in the sweet moments of this family uniting.
Each day we learn a little more of the language and culture. It's eye opening, humbling and yet my heart is growing more and more for Haiti! I knew God would do so much more than we could even imagine and it's happening. It's still only the beginning of something much greater. So I will end today as so...
Lord, lead me beside quiet waters, restore my soul and open my eyes to see all that you are doing here. Help my mouth to stay quiet, my ears to remain open and my heart ready for the desires you have placed there. May my hands and feet go where your light leads. Amen.
Today we had the pleasure of another family joining us at the creche. They are here to pick up their two boys from a different creche but couldn't go until 2 pm, so joined us for the morning time. The couple brought both sets of parents along on this 'gotcha' day trip. I think that's so sweet and a challenge for the parents. They got their workouts in at the creche, a lot more than those sneaker classes at the gym! It was precious to see the kids interact with others though. B wasn't so sure who they all were and I didn't know how to explain it to her. She took whatever attention she could as well, but kept coming back to us. Eventually she started to shut down. We've seen this happen when all the kids come out to play. She seems overwhelmed and just not sure. I think part of it is jealousy, not wanting to share us but to me I sense more over stimulation for her. She has only been there for 9 months which is a short time considering she is 6. We're also not sure if she is real connected to anyone there. Maybe more time will tell.
We did get a tour of the entire facility today. Hearing about the other creche from the family with us I realize how incredibly blessed we are to have B at this one. Although some stuff seems wild to us, like cribs lined up next to each other, touching, filling the room for kids of ages 1 to probably 7, maybe 8. They have bunk beds for the older, bigger kids as well. They go to bed around 6 pm, which is so early and yet when the sun starts going down. We saw the kids classrooms where the teachers are doing English, Spanish and French/Creole. The older kids were working on Math. One of the greatest sounds I heard today was the kids singing How Great Thou Art in their language. All of this is happening because of the great structure and teachers they have there.
Today I was able to learn a little bit more about some of the kids living there. You may recall the older boy who Qade has done some stuff with and I mentioned I'd take him home in a heartbeat. Well, if I did that I'd have to take his 3 brothers too. Yep. Four brothers are living at that creche. I wonder what happened in their lives to land them all there. We've met two of them so far that we know of. I hope to figure out who the other two are. I'm also wondering at what age can they stay at the creche. I vaguely recall that around age 12 they can't care for them anymore. I hope I am wrong as this young man is 11 already. If you would, take a moment and pray for him and his brothers. It's possible they still have parents around. I didn't get a clear answer.
So that sacrifice for our day...when the afternoon portion of our day came we were dropped off at our creche and that family was off to pick up their kids. On the already emotional day I could feel their emotions as well. They were excited and anxious and about to burst, all of them. It was so precious, so sweet and I can not wait until we are in those seats! Their creche is about an hour or more away, depending on traffic. We knew our afternoon could be longer than normal and we were right. Around 5:45 it started to pour. At that time most of the kids were headed to bed. We still had B and went inside to relax and wait for our ride. Around 6:15 we were told they'd be there in 5 minutes. I decided to take B to bed so we'd be ready to run through the rain and into the van. Five minutes turned into a half hour. During that time one of the nannies had called our driver to find out where he was at. She tried to tell us but we had no clue what she was saying. We had her type into google translate and got the jist of it all. We went to another area where there was a different door to exit the creche. One that was not on a steep hill. Steep hills are not easy to go up when it is raining here. Especially when your 15 passenger van has 13 passengers! Frank, our driver, is incredible getting around in traffic, but a traffic jam in the rain slows down anyone. So, around 6:50 we finally entered the van and we're on our way back. In the van were those two sweet boys who were headed home with their new family. The feeling in that van was much different than earlier in the day. There was peace, a calm and serene feeling. All anxieties had been washed away and the joy of having their children at last overwhelmed them all. It was beautiful, even in the dark van. We were blessed to have their first dinner with them as a family! It's so neat to see this step of the process transpire right before our eyes. Their pick up was even unique as the parents and grandparents were there to say good bye. Each child is different in their situation and each creche as well. Who knows what our day will bring when we go to pick up B! For now I will take in the sweet moments of this family uniting.
Each day we learn a little more of the language and culture. It's eye opening, humbling and yet my heart is growing more and more for Haiti! I knew God would do so much more than we could even imagine and it's happening. It's still only the beginning of something much greater. So I will end today as so...
Lord, lead me beside quiet waters, restore my soul and open my eyes to see all that you are doing here. Help my mouth to stay quiet, my ears to remain open and my heart ready for the desires you have placed there. May my hands and feet go where your light leads. Amen.
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