So close, yet so far away

Emotional. A word that is often used to describe me. One who cries often. Yep that's me. Is it a weakness? Some would say yes. To me, it's empowering, a release, a way to set myself free and draw closer to God. BUT lately I feel the need to cry daily. It's exhausting. It's also a reminder of how much I need God in my life. I need to feel his love, his presence, his amazing grace all around me. In order to do that though, I need to be thankful. Thankful for the hardships that draw Him closer, thankful for the judging glances that make me talk to Him, thankful for the unknown of what's next that brings me to my knees releasing all control from me, to Him. Thankful. 

As I was loading the dishwasher this morning tears ran down my face. I was struck momentarily by the unknown of what happens after my job is finished. (This is my last week as children's director at our church.) My mind quickly turned to thoughts of my parents and all they have been through in recent years. I was filled with so much gratitude for their example. They have fought for what they believe in and have made sacrifices they never imagined. Have they done it perfectly? No. But they took the step without knowing what was next every single time. That's it. That is what God continues to call me to in 2014. Just to say Yes! and take the next step. Trust that He will guide, reveal and conquer as needed. Trust.

At the end of May I was searching hard for answers in regards to my job. The word hope came to mind and I shuddered. I've never understood the word hope. It felt fake to me. I'd had expectations before, hoped in something, but when it didn't happen I was brought down. So, I would rarely use the word hope and almost dismissed when others spoke of it. God wanted me to embrace hope though. So, I did some research and here is what I found. 

Hope: 

human definition - desire/expectation for a certain thing to happen; a feeling of trust

biblical definition - possible expectation of a desire based upon the promises of God

(My view of hope was always related to the human definition, not biblical; meaning my hope was in man, trusting in man.  Knowing my Lord and all he has done for me Hope began to come alive.)

Hope is faith in seed form. Faith is hope in final form.  (How could I say I had faith if I didn't desire to have hope.)

I found these statements to further convict me:

Hope is the raw material from which faith builds the house. Transforming our Godly desires into reality is the purpose of hope and (with) faith.

For without hope God has nothing for which faith can make reality!

My reality is I have had hope all along. I just didn't want to define it as that for fear of being let down. My hope is in the Lord, based upon his promises and expanding my faith daily. Hope.

So, it is with a thankful heart, a trusting mind and a hopeful spirit that I continue on this journey. It hasn't been easy and although we are close to completing paperwork we are far from bringing our daughter home. I can't see the end, but I can have the faith to keep saying Yes! and step out.  

*During my quiet time with the Lord this morning I was prompted to continue searching for definitions of hope. I found this great article and I wanted to share it with all of you. It hit things head on for me in regards to defining hope, so much so that I want to go write a book on Hope! :) Enjoy. https://bible.org/article/hope