From anxiety and fear to rest

Wow. It's been over a month since I wrote my last post. I guess that isn't too surprising seeing as how we were busy preparing the fundraiser and little league has begun. On top of that, I have had extra meetings at work as we are in the process of finding a new lead pastor. That process alone has taken a lot more time than I ever imagined. Quite frankly, it has been exhausting! BUT...it's somewhat ironic to be going through that process at the same time we are adopting. Why? Stretching. They have both stretched me to new places, new freedoms and completely outside of my comfort zone. (See my post entitled Stretching) 

Last night I went to bed with intense anxiety. I haven't felt it that strong in awhile. My heart would start racing, fears would overwhelm and thoughts flooded into my brain of failure and defeat and doubt. In all I have been through in just the last three months I knew this was not of God but an attempt from Satan to distract me from this race I am running; to try and hide the prize from me. Yesterday morning, during a staff meeting, God made it clear that I need to rest. REST?!? Ummm, what does that mean? I am a mother of four children, who works part time and wears many other hats. How on earth can I justify rest???  There are way too many things to be doing right now to just rest! That was my quick and selfish response, without even asking God what it means to rest. So, as I continued to listen to God he revealed to me that we are called to rest in the palm of his hand. I saw in my mind an image of myself, literally lying down in God's hand....at peace. (I tried to draw a picture but I am no artist.) When we are in His hand, we see things from His perspective and clarity arises. 

You see, I get so caught up in all the things I think I need to be doing for everything around me to fall into place that I forget about His perspective. I move so fast that sometimes, sadly, days go by where I'm not even calling on God for his guidance. When I do that, I miss out. I push God aside, giving the impression that I don't need Him. I move forward in my own strength and in the end find myself exhausted. But then I somehow convince myself to keep moving because there is not time for rest in this life. This is NOT God's desire for us. There's a reason we are told to lay down our cross daily because when we don't, we carry weight of this world that was never meant to be ours. We exhaust ourselves. We become selfish, ignorant, arrogant and prideful. We lose sight of the prize at the end of our race. Eventually we crumble. 

So, as you can imagine, I found myself crumbling because I refused to rest previous to yesterday. This morning I am renewed, refreshed and have spent over an hour now searching God's heart. I have, or rather God has, broken the chains that bound me and I can now walk away in freedom. I will stumble again sure, but if I can just do it while in the palm of God's hand it will be much easier to get back up. 

As I prepare to go through needed documents today for our dossier my heart still wants to jump with anxiety and even fear that I will miss something, won't do it perfect or even in the right order. Self wants to take over by analyzing it all and making a plan. Well Self, step out of the way because the only guiding hand in this process will be the hand who has led us here....GOD! I have been released from all anxiety and fear. God is my guide, his grace is sufficient and his power made perfect in my weakness. In that I will rejoice!