Through mud we trudge

Over the last couple weeks I have found myself pondering the last year or so. It's been quite the journey for our family as we have lost friends and family in a variety of ways. Yet, we have also gained much throughout the journey. Through a season of loss it is difficult to see clearly. Our human side lashes out, demanding answers.  Our spirit side says God is sovereign, all things work together for the good of those who love Him.  Seeing that good, while wading in the loss, is not easy.  In fact, it's like looking through mud, which is exactly what I did this past weekend.

Jason and I had the opportunity to participate in a Warrior Dash.  It's a 5K race with 12-13 obstacles and mud. There wasn't as much mud as I was expecting, but plenty for this girl.  It was interesting doing something I enjoy (running/working out) with the one I love (Jason) while trudging through mud, almost losing my shoes, sure to be walking through bacteria galore, which I did NOT care for.  BUT I was with the one I love. He never left my side, I never left his.  That is Christ.  That is the Holy Spirit. That is our Father God.  He promises to never leave our side.  Through mud, pain, despair, loss, joy, happiness and trials of every kind, HE IS THERE!!!  Through the waiting and wading HE IS THERE.

So as I try to make sense of the path we have traveled, trusting the Lord and knowing we have sought him through it all, I am trudging through emotions.  Anger, sadness, frustration, confusion.  I want to cry, scream, punch, kick and run, run, run!!!  I want everyone to know it isn't fair. That this isn't what I imagined. That I'm doing my best even if at times, to you, it doesn't appear that way. That I DO HEAR GOD! The same God that speaks to you, and many others. That I have spent hours crying, searching and waiting. That I'm not perfect, but am real, am human, am honest. That on the outside I may seem fine but on the inside I'm healing. Just as are many of you.  And most of all, that it's okay to be in this place.

So, as we continue to move forward (very slowly) with our adoption, praying about fundraisers,  figuring out Drew's epilepsy, sorting through the pain and praying for answers on where we should spend our Sunday mornings I continue to remind myself I AM NOT ALONE. And NEITHER ARE YOU!  The Lord meets us right where we are, muddy, crying, hurt and exhausted. HE IS THERE.