Still processing...would've been day 16

Well Friends, we are home early. Today would've been our last day with B at the orphanage and likely would've been the interview with the social worker had everything gone smoothly. 

But, it didn't.

To be honest, I'm still trying to process what happened over the last five days. It was intense and like nothing I've ever experienced before or hope to experience again. So, I can't give you a full recap yet but I'll give you some thoughts and then as I'm able I'll write more. 

I'm heart broken. For B. For Qade. For Jason. For myself.

B, Sweet B. We lost so much precious time with you, it just wasn't right. We didn't get to say good bye or explain anything that happened. We didn't get to giggle, play chase, draw pictures or blow bubbles. We didn't get to hear you sing another silly song or even just see your sweet, mischievous smile one more time. I'm so sorry B, I am so so sorry. This was not the departure we had planned for you. I love you! 

Qade, my precious son. I'm so sorry. My heart just aches that you went through all of this. I wanted so badly for you to have an experience of a lifetime, in a different way than this. Sure, experience some of the hardships of the culture, but not like this. My sweet boy, we almost lost you, it was that close. You are so stubborn but I know you were also so so sick and delirious. It tore me apart to be separate from you at the hospitals. A part of me was missing through all those hours. I felt almost dead inside not knowing what would happen while sitting in a dark, cold room. I wanted to hold you, to love you, to say it would all be okay, that God knew and was there. I wanted to take it all away from you. I prayed for the Lord to spare your life, over and over. I asked him to take mine if one was to go. You will get through this son. God will use this. Your story will change lives. I love you!

Jason, what a man! We wouldn't have made it without you. Your strength, tenacity and wisdom held us together. Your ability to stay calm and keep pushing forward at the right times undoubtedly paved a way that wasn't there before. You just kept giving and giving and giving, when inside I knew you were tired and fighting your own sickness. I'm grateful beyond words for the sacrifices you made. You stayed with our son, by his side, making sure he was comfortable, safe and alive! You made decisions when I just couldn't. I'm sorry you had to do all that. I'm sorry you were hurting as well. I'm sorry I couldn't say all of that before. I love you!

Myself. I know you're heart broken and confused. I know you're struggling to break through. I know you just want to close your eyes and believe it was just a nightmare. It wasn't. It happened. And you will need to process it all. You held on tight though, praising God through every moment. Praying and singing over your son. Trusting your husband's choices and believing God was there through it all. You did good. You made it. I love you!

To the community of believers out there that prayed diligently:  THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! It was your prayers that gave us all strength to keep fighting when giving up was so easily an option. It was your words of encouragement that held the door open to see the light. It was thoughts that kept our heads afloat even when the tide came rushing in. It was you that helped save us. YOU! We love you!

"Those who are dominated by the sinful nature think about sinful things, but those who are controlled by the Holy Spirit think about things that please the Spirit. So letting your sinful nature control your mind leads to death. But letting the Spirit control your mind leads to life and peace!" Romans 8:5-6

I know this is not the exact context but as I have been reflecting this morning and read this chapter this stuck out to me. When you are fighting for your life or praying for your child's life or holding your husband's face while he has a seizure it's easy to be filled with anger and outrage, to doubt God's goodness and believe he has left you. To allow hatred and evil to fill your heart. Instead we continued to choose life, to pray for his spirit to remain upon us and within us. We could feel His presence at all times, Jason said it over and over, I'm at peace through all of this. Your prayers kept our heads there. This was spiritual warfare. God has won this battle and will win every single one we face!